Many of you don’t know this about me. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I need to protect my heart and space. I had a 5 month miscarriage on November 4 ,2014. My angels name is Ava. That day, and the days following, have changed me in so many ways. Some good and some bad. I’ve also learned so many lessons. One thing that I have to remind myself of daily, is that I have absolutely no control over my next pregnancy. I can lay on my back with my feet up for the next nine months and stress over if my baby’s heart is still beating, or I can live my life, enjoying every second of the time I have with my baby, and bask in the amazing grace that is the life growing inside of me. By doing the latter, I’m letting go of the control I want to have and I’m giving it to the One who is really in control. The One who has blessed my family with this life.
To truly trust God through my next pregnancy, and to truly believe that IT IS WELL, gives me a peace that transcends everything that I have ever known.
Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t have fears, worries or doubt. Of course I will. Something very traumatic happened to my husband and I on that day. We no longer live in a space of blissful ignorance regarding pregnancies. We now know that loss happens. Without warning signs or distress. Regardless of how “healthy” your pregnancy is. No matter how much you’ve done everything “right” every since you saw those life changing two pink lines. Despite it all, I became a statistic that I knew nothing about until that day. I am 1 in 4. So yes, fears and worries will creep into my heart. I just won’t live there.
Instead I will create a space where God lives. Where love lives. Full of scripture that reminds me of Gods love and promise. Do we want a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy with a safe delivery and a live baby that we can take home? Yes we do. But in the face of what we know can go wrong, I also know that even if not, He is still good.