What’s the point in praying for a pregnancy and/or a live baby when it seems completely irrelevant to the outcome? were questions I asked numerous times. I don’t know if I have any answers, but I can let you take a glimpse at my journey.
My personal relationship with God changed greatly after pregnancy loss. Before I would have considered myself a very luke-warm Christian and had absolutely no understanding of the Holy Spirit. How can bad things happen to good people? Why pray if bad things are still going to occur? What does it mean to trust in Him in the good times and the bad? I started to dig deeper than I ever had. I started studying the Bible more and read a few theological books. But mainly, I actually started talking to God. And by talking I mean expressing anger, sorrow, my confusion and hurt, which I had so much of. But mostly, I started giving thanks. Yes hard times happen, but there is still so much to be thankful for. Even in the hurt and pain. That’s when I realized that praying and talking to God is about having a relationship with God. Yes, he already knows the desires of my heart. But praying is more than giving a list of desires; it’s about building a relationship. If I’m not talking to Him then I can’t hear Him when he responds. Jesus said, My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” (John 14:27-28). We are his sheep and we have to be able to recognize each other. It’s a reciprocal relationship based on love and communication. This verse also shows me that my hope is not really on this Earth, but in Heaven.
As far as specific prayers, sometimes my prayers have been answered fitting with the desire of my heart, but more often my prayers were not answered in the ways I prayed. After my miscarriage, I prayed so hard that the next pregnancy would result in an earthly child. My prayer was not answered in the way I asked as I’m still not pregnant. I still don’t understand, but I’ve learned that I have to trust even when understanding is non-existent. With my next pregnancy I’ll pray that God prepares my heart in case my child is born into Heaven instead of on Earth. Of course it will hurt beyond belief if the child I’ll carry in my womb is born in Heaven, but I pray that “fear of the future is replaced with joy in the moment” and that my heart is prepared for “continuing to trust and love God even not, even if this results in another miscarriage or if my child is stillborn.” I pray now for growth of my own personal spiritual character traits (fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) in addition to specific desires.
Having an Earthly child is not based on sin or lack of sin. It’s not based on faithfulness or lack of faithfulness. Just like it rains on the just and unjust, the rays of sun hit both the just and unjust. This world is imperfect and fairness just doesn’t exist, but I choose to let hope outweigh despair.
So what’s the point of praying? For me, it’s to continue my relationship with God. I want to continue to give Him thanks along with telling Him the desires of my heart. But most of all, I want to be able to hear His voice when He whispers “be patient”.