Don’t worry about a thing

It’s Father’s Day, 2027. I’m at a wine festival without my husband. All around us are families, fathers playing with or holding their children. A Bob Marley song starts to play. Don’t worry, about a thing, because every little thing, is gonna be alright. As much as I want to hold on to this hope, sometimes it eludes me.

~The day after~
My husband is usually an”It is what it is” kind of guy. But when he sent me several text messages about how awful Father’s Day was for him, my heart sank. He feels robbed, like he’s missing out. We should already have our daughter… and we don’t. And it’s still not happening(cycle day 4 as I write this). I try my best to lift him up out of this slump he’s in but he has every right to be there. This sucks. Miscarriage sucks. Secondary unexplained infertility, as much as I feel that’s some made up term, sucks even more!
Every year on a certain holiday, we tell ourselves that we’ll be at least pregnant by this time last year. Well, 3 Mothers Day and Father’s Day has gone by. As well as 2 New Years, birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmases. Yes, we count. We also pray that one day we will be getting cheesy hand made gifts and cards on our special holiday. I also pray so hard that my husband get to at least be holding our child in his arms next year on Fathers Day.

Why not me?

I’m happy for you but sad for me. Why not me?

Hearing that someone is expecting or has had their baby is so wonderful. But hard. Very hard. I truly am happy for you. I’m just sad for me. Why not me? I’m so happy you didn’t have to experience the heartache of pregnancy loss or still birth. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’m so happy that your pregnancy was beautiful and that you got to dress your baby bump and take milestone pictures. I’m so happy that you had a creative gender reveal and then put together the perfect nursery. I’m so happy that you had the baby shower of you dreams. I’m so happy that your birth plan went as planned and that you brought that bundle of joy home.  
Believe me, I am happy for you. Please don’t feel uncomfortable about telling me that you’re trying or expecting. I am happy for you. Don’t feel uncomfortable complaining about your morning sickness, weight gain and swollen feet. I am happy for you. 

But I’m sad for me. Why not me? You name it, we’ve tried it! What am I doing wrong? Im exhausted, I feel defeated and I’m so broken. But I know that God will turn my ashes into something so beautiful when He’s ready. I know that my story isn’t over. I know that even though I feel like we’ve waited long enough, I can’t force the works of the All Mighty.